Solid Snake Goes to the Proctologist
by Scarbie
Summary: COMPLETED! After seeing a 'Health Watch' segment on the news, Snake decides (with some encouragement from Meryl and Otacon) to go to the proctologist. Chapter 4 - Deleted Scenes. Mild cursing.
1. Health Watch

Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own any characters from Metal Gear Solid, they belong to Konami. 

A/N: Okay don't think that I hate Snake for putting him through this suffering. I love Snake, he's my guy. This story takes place after MGS1. I haven't played MGS2 yet. Sucks to be me. And yes this story is totally illogical. I don't remember exactly how old Snake and Otacon are so if you do please leave it in a review or email me. 

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Solid Snake Goes to the Proctologist

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*~*The Dinner*~*

Snake, Otacon, and Meryl were eating dinner in the living room of their nicely furnished three bedroom apartment. It was nothing spectacular but it was definitely comfortable. You don't save the world and then wind up living in the projects. While they were eating they were watching the 6:00 news. On the news they had a special medical consultant for the 'Health Watch' segment. 

"Well now were going to talk about a very important issue concerning male health. Before it was recommended that men start seeing a proctologist at age 45 annual for prostate screening, but now due to diet and other factors men should come in at age 35." 

Snake was cutting into his T-bone steak when this was said. He immediately stopped and looked at the TV with rapt attention. 

"This is especially important for men that have high amounts of stress in their lives." On the TV, images of men speaking with their doctors appeared. Snake frowned and took a sip of his beer. 

"Hey Snake, they're talking about you!" Otacon quipped. Meryl started to laugh but caught the look on Snake's face and decided to grin instead. 

"But seriously Snake, I don't know anybody whose job is more stressful," Otacon stated, "well except for me of course," he joked. 

"Oh and I have it so easy," Meryl interjected "It's hard being the girlfriend of a veritable superhero." 

Snake made a noncommittal grunt and shook his head. "I'm in the best health I've ever..." He stopped because that was a lie, he had no idea. Physically he felt fine but that heifer Naomi had shot him up with that Fox Die virus. 

"Snake all kidding aside, please go make an appointment with a proctologist. I want you around for a very long time," Meryl said while patting his thigh. She leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. 

"I'll think about it you two." Snake promised. They returned to eating and talking about what happened during their day. 

  


*~*The Next Morning*~*

Otacon and Meryl awoke to the wonderful aroma of fresh brewed coffee and breakfast. For a guy who had to live on rations mission after mission Snake certainly knew how to get around the kitchen. Snake had prepared pancakes with blueberry sauce, hard-fried eggs, and kosher beef sausage. He was now setting the table. 

"Hey, good morning sweetie. What's all this?" Meryl asked. She gave Snake a big hug and a passionate kiss. 

"Breakfast," he said dryly. She looked like she was going to hit him and then she smiled. 

Snake grinned and put one of his fingers in a belt loop of her jeans and pulled her towards him and kissed her again. 

"Oi, it's too early in the morning for that crap," a sleep filled voice commented. Otacon-the-great-morning-person had arrived. His hair was going in all directions except for where it was supposed to. "Smells great Snake. What's the occasion?" 

"Just felt like it," he said and shrugged. Well really there was a big reason. When Snake was stressed and wanted time to himself he either worked out or cooked. He found that he could think easier.

He gave the conversation he had last night a great deal of thought as he promised. It wasn't how it used to be where the only person he had to worry about was himself. Now he had a best friend _and_ a woman he loved almost to the point of idiocy. Who'd a thunk it? Definitely not Snake.

While he was cooking he came to a decision: he was going to make the appointment. 


	2. Otacon Got JOKES

A/N: Thank you Dbzchick, JennH, and BlackDelo for your awesome and groovy reviews. And thanks to my Mom, who will forever be my muse. Disclaimer: If you recognize any of the characters in the story there's a 100% chance that I don't own them. Blah, blah, blah, yakity-schmakity. 

Solid Snake Goes to the Proctologist Chapter 2

  


*~* After Breakfast*~*

After breakfast was over, everyone got prepared for the day. Otacon and Meryl had to leave for work. As they were leaving Snake informed them of his decision. 

"Okay man, see you later," Otacon said as he patted him on the back. 

"Bye sweetheart," Meryl said and then gave him another kiss. 

Then his best friend and girlfriend left out the door and made their way to the elevator. 

  


*~*The Phone Call*~*

"Well I guess I better call now," Snake thought, "and get this over with." 

So Snake called the 'Super Top Secret Medical Facility For Super Top Secret Spies' otherwise known as STSMFSTSS. 

"Good morning, you have reached the 'STSMFSTSS'. How may I help you?" A familiar voice asked pleasantly. 

"Mei Ling!?" Snake exclaimed in his gravely voice. 

"Snake? I can't believe it! How are you? You're okay...right?" Mei Ling asked rapidly. 

"Damn it! Could this situation get any worse?" Snake thought. It was embarrassing enough to have to make the damn appointment in the first place, but then have to talk to someone you _know_. 

"Well, what is it Snake?" 

"Uh...I want to make an appointment with the *cough*proctolo*cough*gist." 

"I'm sorry Snake, I couldn't catch that last part," Mei Ling said worriedly. 

Snake lowered his head and sighed. "I said I want to make an appointment with a...a proctologist."

There was silence on the other line. 

"Mei Ling? Are you still there?" 

"...Yes let me see when we could schedule you in." Snake then heard rapid keystrokes and no laughter. Professionalism at its best. 

"Well you're in luck Snake, you can come in today at 2:00 for an appointment with Dr. Hunter." 

"Dr. Hunter...you mean that bitch Naomi!" Snake said, enraged. 

"No, no, Snake," Mei Ling said in placatory manner, "She was fired shortly after the Shadow Moses event This is a different doctor." 

"Oh. Good," Snake said nodding his head and calming down. "They aren't related are they?" He didn't recall Naomi telling him about a sibling during her 'confession'. 

"No, she has no other known relatives." 

"Okay, I guess I'll be seeing you later Mei Ling." 

"Bye Snake." 

"Wait a second. You don't have anything else to say to me?" 

"Huh? What are you talking about? Ohhh!" Mei Ling laughed as she realized what Snake was waiting for. "A wise man once said that 'the cautious seldom err.' You've made a wise decision by making this appointment." 

With this said they both hang up. 

  


*~*On the Road*~*

Well at 1:00 Snake left the apartment. He had written a note letting Meryl and Otacon know he was at the appointment. The facility was a 40 minute drive away and Snake liked to be a little early for appointments, just in case he had to fill out forms and such. He was not looking forward to this appointment at all, yet he was relieved he could get it over with today. That was unexpected. He left out the apartment, walked to the buildings carport and got into his midnight blue Saturn LS. 

"Ah the joys of motoring," Snake muttered as someone cut him off on the road. "I swear these people just don't know... they're rushing into eternity. 

All of a sudden Snake started to chuckle heartily. What the heck was he laughing about, he was about to go to the proctologist. Being on the road made Snake think about a comment Otacon had said during breakfast; a comment that Snake did not appreciate at the time. Not at all. The hilarity of it was just now sinking in. It be's that way sometimes. 

"Hey Meryl, you've heard this one?" 

Meryl sighed. "You have to tell me first." 

"This guy wants to be a proctologist," Otacon started with a serious tone and Snake glared at him over his cup of coffee, "and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!" 

"What!? What type of music?" Meryl interrupted. 

"Let me finish," Otacon said while making a reverse shooing gesture. "On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." he sang with a faux southern drawl. "The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again '...On the road again...' The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen? "the wannabe proctologist asks, "Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!" 

"Hahahahaha!" Meryl started to crack up. "Wasn't that funny Snake?" 

"Yeah, hilarious. Otacon got jokes," Snake said flatly. 

  


*~*At the Facility*~*

Snake arrived at the 'STSMFSTSS' at 1:45. He got caught in a little traffic. When he walked in he saw Mei Ling at the receptionist desk. She was just as cute as ever. "She smiled widely when she saw him approach the desk. 

"Well Snake, it's a pleasure to meet you in person but unfortunately in these circumstances." She rose from her seat and walked around the desk. 

"Yeah," Snake agreed. Mei Ling held out her hand for him to shake and he did just that. He then gave her a big hug which she returned. He remembered during the Shadow Moses event how much support she gave him, especially her repertoire of proverbs...and she was a sweet person. He thought very fondly of her. She then returned to her chair and handed him a brief form. 

"I just need you to fill this out and the doctor will be with you shortly." 

Snake then sat down in one of the nearby chairs in the waiting area. They were well cushioned. He filled out the general information form without any problem and returned it to Mei Ling. Now the only thing he could do was wait. 

  
  


A/N: Okay he's not in the examination room yet, that'll be next chapter...the last chapter. So prepare for some serious angst! Poor Snake! I actually tried to do some kind of research into proctology for this story and found some general information. The most concrete thing I found on the Internet though was the joke that Otacon told. Hopefully the last chapter will be up later on today. 


	3. Arsed Out

A/N: Hahahaha! Well this is it the final stretch. Thanks again to all the people that reviewed. The MGS humor section is by far without peer so your reviews mean a lot to me. If I got Snake's last name wrong let me know and I'll correct it immediately. 

**Disclaimer**: If you recognize it there's 100% chance I don't own it. Snake and Co. belong to Konami but the 'STSMFSTSS' is all mine baby! 

Solid Snake Goes to the Proctologist Chapter 3

  


*~*The Wait*~*

While Snake was sitting in the comfortable chair he realized that he was bored. 

"I knew I should have brought a book." 

He looked over to the ubiquitous magazine rack to find something to occupy him. What did they have: _Guns & Ammo_, _Soldier of Fortune_, _People_, _Better Homes & Gardens_, and _Parenting_. What the hell? 

While Snake was browsing through the magazines an attractive woman in an immaculate white nurse's uniform came through an adjoining door. 

"David Sears?" She asked looking at Snake with that professional smile that all nurses have trained on their faces even though their feet are killing them. 

"Yeah," Snake confirmed and smiled back. 

The nurse's cheeks reddened. "Would you please follow me sir?" 

"Sure." He put the magazine back on the rack and followed her through the door. 

At the nurses' station she took his blood pressure and weight. Both of which were perfectly fine. 

They then walked for a few minutes through various corridors until they finally reached the examination room. 

"Okay, would you please have a seat?" She then busied herself by pulling new paper onto the examination table and then opened a drawer and pulled out a yellow, folded hospital gown. 

"Please change into this Mr. Sears. We need you to remove everything... _including_ your underwear." She then left and closed the door behind her. 

Snake look at the hospital gown laying on the examination table with undisguised disdain. At hospitals they always wanted you on their terms...with your butt hanging out. "Well at least it's practical in this case," Snake thought ruefully. He quickly changed out of his clothes and put on the butter colored 'covering'. 

"Damn it's cold in here," Snake voiced aloud as he felt a draft. "Why do hospitals have to be so damned cold?" 

He folded his sweater neatly and placed it on the chair. He then took his slacks and carefully matched the seams of one leg with those of the other and neatly folded the pants over the chair's back. He then sat on the examination table. 

He began to inspect the room. There was the usual chair the patient sat in which was considerably less comfortable than that of the doctors, garbage can, hamper, haz-mat receptacle, sink with the foot pedals, the big economy sized soap dispenser, latex glove holder, proctoscope, K-Y Gel. _Proctoscope...K-Y Gel?_

"Oh shit," Snake breathed and his eyes widened. Last night and this morning he_ knew_ he didn't want to come here... he _knew_ it was going to be bad, but the totality of the... _badness_ did not hit him until this moment. It didn't hit him until he saw those tubes sitting in their cardboard box and that catheter-like device they were going to stick up his arse. 

Snake had to suppress his sympathetic system's 'flight or fight' response. So he did the only thing he could do; he gave himself a little '_pep talk_'. 

"Snake, stop acting like a little sissy! You eat Army Rangers for breakfast, then Navy Seals for mid-afternoon snack! You can _do_ this!" he thought frantically. 

He breathed a little easier momentarily, but then his imagination got the best of him. 

"This is totally illogical Snake. Man, if Otacon and Meryl could see you now they would be so disappointed. You went up against a Hind D with only a Stinger missile launcher for cripe's sake. Not to mention the Metal Gear Rex. Yeah! That was you. Okay...I'm cool." 

  


*~*The Doctor Arrives*~*

Not long after Snake got himself together and said the hell with it, there was a knock at the door. 

"Come in," Snake said resignedly. 

The door opened and a remarkably average man came in. He did not look as Snake expected a proctologist to look. Snake was expecting-hell he didn't know what-some perverse looking old man with age spots on his balding head and a rhinophymic nose. But this guy was just ordinary. 

"Good afternoon Mr. Sears, I'm Dr. Hunter." He held out his hand, which Snake shook after deliberating a few seconds. 

"Mr. Sears, I understand that this is you first visit here." He said in a questioning manner. 

"Yeah." 

"Well a lot of men make this seem like it's worse than hell, but if you relax it'll be over sooner than you think," he said encouragingly. 

Snake decided not to respond to that and looked at the doctor witheringly. 

"Well...uh I have a few preliminary questions for you Mr. Sears," he said hesitantly. 

"Shoot." 

"Have you had any problems with your bowel movements?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"Like have you experienced constipation and or diarrhea?" 

Snake thought for a moment...well there was that time Meryl tried to cook dinner. He was pretty sure that the doctor didn't mean that. 

"No," Snake said. 

"Have you experienced any pain while eliminating your bowels?" 

Well, again there was that time Meryl tried to cook dinner but that was an isolated incident. Snake and Otacon had even gotten seconds on it to make her feel better. 

"No," Snake repeated. 

"Have you had any problems urinating?" 

"No."

"Not experiencing any pain?" 

"No." 

"Man of few words?" The doctor said chuckling. 

"Yeah." Snake's mouth quirked into a smirk out of it's own volition. 

"Okay, Mr. Sears would you please lay down and face the wall." Dr. Hunter said as he put on his latex gloves. The snap of the gloves echoed through the room. Snake's smile faded fast. 

Dr. Hunter rearranged Snake's gown even more for easier access. As he was doing this there was a knock at the door. 

"Come in," Dr. Hunter said. "By the way Mr. Sears this procedure will be observed by three interns. 

Snake felt his face get hot. "_Someone's got to die_," he thought venomously. 

  


*~*Back at Home*~*

Snake returned from the appointment at 4:20 He had smoked about 5 cigarettes on the way back home. He decided he needed to take a rest. He'd been through a lot today. He figured he had time for a quick nap before Meryl and Otacon got back from work. 

  


*~*What's the Verdict?*~* 

It was 6:30 when Otacon and Meryl returned to the apartment. Snake resting on the couch was the first thing they saw. Meryl approached him and gave him a kiss on the forehead. 

"When's the appointment?" she asked softly. 

"I've already been." 

"Really?" Otacon asked. 

"Yeah, I was surprised too," Snake replied honestly. 

"So how did it go?" Otacon asked his friend worriedly. Snake was never one to 'lounge'. 

Snake laughed. "I'm doing great. Everything's in the clear." 

"Great Snake! What was it like?" Otacon always inquiring. 

"Uncomfortable, but you'll know in a few years." Snake grinned at him archly. "I'm starving, let's go get something to eat." 

"Where to?" Meryl asked cautiously. 

"I feel like eating ....healthy. Let's go get some Chinese food." 

Meryl rolled her eyes "Alright, buster." 

Otacon got Snake's coat and threw it at his best friend's head. 

THE END!!!! 

  
  


A/N: Whoo hoo! I finished. I really enjoyed writing this story. I hope you guys liked it too. How many times did "Snake say 'Yeah', I stopped counting. Poor Snake! There was one point in this story where I was going to have Snake really spaz out but it didn't quite fit. So maybe in another story. If you liked it review. If you hated it...review!!! 


	4. Deleted Scenes

A/N: No this is not another chapter in the story. These are just parts I had thought to put in the story that didn't quite work. They were just sitting in what was _supposed_ to be my Spanish notebook. So let's just say these are deleted scenes. JennH suggested that I put them in a bonus chapter and I thought that was a pretty cool idea. Thanks! So if you think they suck just remember I kept them out of the main story. So just purge them from memory! 

Disclaimer: I got news for y'all, Scarbie don't own two things: Jack and Shit and Jack left town. (Yeah, I guess that made sense) 

**Solid Snake Goes to the Proctologist the Deleted Scenes**

*~*The Parking Lot*~*

After driving amongst the nut jobs for 45 minutes, Snake managed to get to the 'STSMFSTSS' unscathed. The parking lot was almost empty. He stepped out of his car and started to walk purposefully to the facility. 

"Well Snake, I thought you would be a SUV man," a cultured voice called out. 

"Who the hell is calling me by my code name out in the open," Snake thought acidly. He turned around and saw a man wearing a charcoal suit. "Well if it isn't _Mr. Fancy Pants_," Snake thought as he saw James Bond walking to his BMW Z3. 

"No, I hate those pieces of shit!" Snake said vehemently, vaguely recalling an Explorer driver who tailgated him for twenty minutes. _Damn SUV drivers and their God complexes_. 

"Oh," Bond said calmly, but internally he was surprise. Snake had this 'American Bad ass' image that got under his skin; smoking like a chimney, not using complete sentences, having an atrocious hairstyle, and the lists goes on. Snake was nowhere near as debonair and cultured as himself. So he just knew that Snake had either an SUV or a truck, more than likely made by Ford. Imagine his surprise when he saw Snake rolling in a Saturn LS. Feeling more than a little salty he immediately got into his vehicle and sped off. 

"Hmmph, asshole!" Guys like that pissed Snake off. They wanted to come off all cool and crap but really they were like school in the summer time....No class. 

  


*~*Stressin'*~*

After repeated attempts in psyching himself, Snake found that the it was futile. He really wished he hadn't left his pack of smokes in the glove compartment. Screw not smoking in public places. He was seriously stressed. Recalling all of his amazing endeavors did nothing to calm his nerves. He dimly wondered if this feeling that gripped his heart was akin to what Otacon felt when he saw the Ninja... no Grey Fox. "Well it's definitely not that bad. I'm too dry for that," Snake thought. He knew what he needed to do. "I need to talk to somebody," Snake thought frantically, "that always makes me feel better." 

He got in a crouched position and placed a hand behind an ear. The draft that he felt before suddenly intensified. "Damn it!" he knew that Mei Ling was a genius and all but he wished that she would fixed this bug in the codec system. The only way you could receive good reception was if you were positioned like this. He dialed a frequency: 

*****141.80*****

"Yeah, Master always has good advice." He encouraged Snake a lot in Zanzibar. "Wait a second," Snake thought, "Liquid killed him and then impersonated him. And then I killed Liquid." 

"Oh no," he groaned, "I'm going friggin' crazy." He then dialed another frequency: 

*****141.12*****

Come on pick up, pick up. No response. Damn! Who else could he call? He definitely couldn't call Meryl because he didn't want her to see him in this state. What would she think of him? Wait a minute... Otacon always has his codec activated. That means this facility has some kind of shielding or harmonic resonance, or whatever Mei Ling said. 

"Well... I guess I'm all alone." Snake said disconsolately on the verge of tears. "Damn it!" he cursed aloud, banging his fist into the ground. He scrambled back to the examination table. He tried repeating a mantra he'd heard before. "I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the small death that leads to oblivion." Snake rapidly thought this over and over. Damn, might have worked for Peter Puppy but it wasn't working for him. 

There was a knock on the door. Snake was startled. Nothing like pressure to get yourself together. 

"Come in," he said resignedly. 

  


*~*Burning Question*~*

Shortly after Dr. Hunter asked Snake the preliminary questions, he asked if Snake any questions of his own. Snake had a lot of questions but many didn't pertain to what was going on at this particular juncture. One question that was relevant eventually came to his mind. One that he always wanted to know the answer to: 

"Why doesn't corn fully digest?" 

The doctor stared at him blankly. "_What, he's got to be kidding?_" he thought.

Snake looked at the doctor expectantly. 

"Uh... I'm not sure Mr. Sears, I suppose there's enzymes that can't be broken down by the stomach acids. 

To Snake this sounded like BS. Otacon was smart, he could ask him. 

  


*~*After the Appointment*~*

Dr. Hunter could definitely tell that Mr. Sears didn't want to be at the clinic, but what man did. Mr. Sears was actually one of his more pleasant patients. He took every thing in stride...even the interns showing up. He was reticent but that was better than that Bond jerk who would drone _on and on_. Also Mr. Sears didn't have genital warts...that's certainly a plus. 

  
  


A/N #2: Hee hee, Snake really flipped out in this version. See why I didn't put it in the story. As you can probably tell, I do not like James Bond. I truly believe that dude has a multitude of STDs. He goes all around the world and on each mission he 'gets around' *LOL* As we all know Snake is a badass because he just is...no effort there! Oh Yeah! I can definitely see Snake driving a truck just not an SUV. I was just looking at a documentary on SUVs and I must say it was pretty scary. Earthworm Jim, what a great cartoon.


End file.
